Relational Wholeness
Wayne Duncan
I'm going to be talking about relationships today. Not because were weak in this department, but because this is part of the superior reality we want to be anchored in. We want this to be a place of health and wholeness. At the centre of health happy communities, are good strong relationships. To be clear were not doing this preach to put out many fires, or to address many issues. Of coarse at any time in the life of the community there are a few relationships under pressure. That is normal. If this is helpful for those situations, great. What were really wanting to do, as we establish a desired culture for us and the next generation, is to build relationships of wholeness on this foundation.
Relationships are at the heart of life. If I could tell you about something that would position us to be in whole relationships in our lives at every level, would you be interested? If we grasp this revelation, it will help in every relationship you have. Think about the multi layer forms of relationship.
Between you and God. Between friends. Between spouses. Between parents and children. Between work associates. Between other family members. Between church folk. Between people of influence (mentors, pastors, apostles etc)
Relationships affect every area of our lives. Were always going to be with, and around other people.
Learning to have good relationships, good friendships or the ability to get along with others, is such an essential ingredient to life.
Today were going to look at something that can help greatly in this area.
It's love, acceptance and forgiveness.
I also want to paint this as a back drop for what were contending for as a church. Last week I said were contending for a superior reality. Were developing a kingdom culture in the church. This lies at the heart of that culture. How do we relate to each other? How do we treat each other?
It's love and acceptance and forgiveness.
The good news is that when were born again, and given a new nature, the holy spirit comes to live inside of us and the result is that we love.
1 John 4V7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 8Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Loving one another is easy, for this reflects who we are. God is love, and we are in God, and He is in us, so we too love. It's one of the evidences of being born again. In fact this is the fulfillment of the commands of Jesus and the law itself.
John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
Romans 13v8 Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. 9The commandments, "You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet," and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." 10Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.
"The commands of Jesus are a description of the way new human beings behave, who have been born again, and enabled supernaturally to the Glory of God" John Piper
If I love you I won't kill you. If I love you I won't steal your wife. If I love you I won't lie to you or cheat you. If I love myself I won't smoke, or do drugs. If I love God I won't worship other Gods.
Can you see how love fulfills the law?
Now were not saying prove your love, common, if you love God then…no that's a manipulation. Your motive if moved that way would be impure. A relationship built on this is never healthy. A pure way is I love, and as an overflow I behave.
Love is who we are. Loving comes easily, and all its fruit is sweet!
Two things that follow in love are acceptance and forgiveness.
We've purposed to be a church that accepts people no matter what. You're free to be you here without coming under judgment. If we do not create the culture of acceptance, then were creating a culture of cohesion and conformity. We can't say "be like me, or become like me, and then you'll be more accepted". We are all different, and the greatest gift you can be to the world is to be the unique you God created you to be.
How does God love us. Unconditionally, and all the time. What if we believe something that's wrong, well he still loves us, but wants us to change that belief. It's the climate of love and forgiveness and acceptance that creates that environment to change. The same is true for behavior. Does Gods love me if I make a mistake or sin? Yes, He still loves and accepts me, but he wants me to be free from that thing. But love acceptance and forgiveness are the ground on which that freedom comes.
It's the same with us. If we disagree with someone, or their behavior towards us, we need to create to atmosphere of love, acceptance and forgiveness. This will bring healing to the relationship.
When loving you gets hard.
Demanding love. Legalistic love.
This is a very dangerous environment that some create around them selves. It says I have certain criteria that I expect you to meet. In my mind when that list of expectations are being met, then I can believe that you love me.
This creates some serious relational tensions. Lets call this chap Mr Dam Manding.
Here is are symptoms associated with Mr Manding.
Insecurity creeps into his relationships, this is due to the fact that with Mr Manding, you never know if you are doing enough, you never know if your keeping him happy. Often the rules for satisfaction change…this creates really tricky relationships where you feel your constantly walking on egg shells. The result is that Mr Manding constantly feels unloved and un respected. Those around this person feel insecure. This also opens the door for manipulation and controlling others.
Mr Manding feels it's his right to demand respect and sacrifice from others, and if his demands are not met, he feels his rights have been violated. Now others are guilty of an infringement, and Mr Manding feels his offence is legitimate.
Its often subtle. Sometimes conscious, sometimes unconscious.
We need to be so careful that we decide what love is and what it looks like.
If you do this….then you love me, if you don't, you don't love me.
This creates the environment for disappointment.
Mr Manding robs the beauty of giving. What do I mean. Well if I show you love, and give you relational effort. The attitude could be one of, "well I expect that, or I deserve that". The person is not grateful for the attempt to share love. This in turn makes the person who made the attempt at love feel rejected. This may result in a lessening of the attemps at love, which enforces the downward cycle, or upward performance pressure.
It's legalistic love and law crushes, and points out fault constantly.
These things can be present in every type of relationship in our lives.
In church, if you make me an elder, then you love me. If you believe what I believe, then you love me. If you visit me then you love me. If not you don't. How silly are these things.
Wife, if you do this. Husband if you do this…and we end up running around trying to please everyone to prove our love.
Mr Manding is actually difficult to love. We create rules and criteria. When someone does not measure up to those rules, hes become hurt disappointed. But if those rules and measures and controls were not there, there would be no hurt, and Mr Manding would be so much easier to love, and he would clearer see peoples attempts at love.
Here is a fact. Hurt and disappointment will happen in every relationship. That's normal in life. Love and acceptance, forgiveness reduce the frequency and the pain of those hurts.
How we respond when were hurt or disappointed is so key.
Listen friends we go through much unnecessary pain and turmoil by not having maturity in this area.
Question…what's the opposite of forgiveness…its offence.
I was thinking about this. When I think about people who leave church. If I think about people who become isolated. Almost without fail the problem was unmet expectations or offence. I guarantee you every relationship will have unmet expectations. I guarantee you every relationship will have the potential for offence, often.
Picking up offence is devastating. Holding onto that offence will cause all sorts of negative symptoms in our lives. It's just so much better to live in the freedom of forgiveness.
Offence is something we pick up. You see this bible here on the pulpit. I can choose to pick it up, or not to. When disappointment comes, and it will, we have to choice "to pick it up or not to pick it up" that is the choice.
When we now hold onto that offence, it's called unforgiveness. Unforgiveness releases negative power in our lives. That relationship is then affected. Offence has taken root. It's a dangerous root, that can produce negative fruit if not quickly dealt with. Now a stronghold, a fortress is present.
Symtoms:
In the church context unforgiveness blocks the receiving of the gifting on a person. What that means is our hearts don't want to receive what is being released. If your offended at a preacher, you hinder the revelation you can receive from preaching. If you're offended at a person who is praying for people, you may not come forward for prayer to receive. Even if you do you may be closed. Preaches who preach with unforgiveness develop a harsh edge. When you pray for a person you have not forgiven, your passion and sincerity is compromised. Can you see why it's important to build this culture of forgiveness?
Remember that it's just a matter of time before you will be hurt or disappointed. If we don't develop this forgiveness ability we can also get into unhealthy cycles. Some people go from church to church. It's always the same, they get offended, pick up offence, unforgiveness sets is. They say, "no we left the church for they hurt us" or "there was no love". I know people who have gone from church to church like this, but the root is immaturity in dealing with disagreement or offence, its unforgiveness. Some eventually just stop going to church. Here there is only one winner. The enemy. Here a person retreats into isolation. Isolation will produce dark and miserable fruit.
It's not only church. For some its friendships. An examination of life will find a long string of broken friendships. Or a person ends up with no friends.
Some people get offended all the time. I mean it's amazing. This is a destructive habit that will leave a person lonely and isolated. People don't like to be around people who get offended easily, it's hard work. Then cycles come again. You get offended all the time, so people avoid you. Then you get offended because people avoid you. So the cycles develop. All this can be stopped in it's tracks by embracing Gods freedom. Acceptance and forgiveness.
I mean its quite funny, I've seen this in every church I've been in. Someone gets offended because someone prayed for them Someone gets offended because someone did not pray for them. Someone gets offended for the way someone prays for them. People get offended when there is the presence of God, people get offended when there is not. People get offended when you preach to long, others want long preaches. Some get offended at slow songs, others at fast. Some want loud others soft. People get offended because the picture is fire, and not waves. You greeted the and not me. You looked at me funny. Some pastors run around trying to please every offence and demand, and the half die from exhaustion. But we are building a superior reality where people are healthy and secure, slow to anger, and slow to take offence. Love acceptance and forgiveness.
Friends were here to change the world by bringing the gospel of power to lost people. We've goto keep the focus that were here for others, to be ministers of the new covenant to a lost world. Becoming to inward focused, to "my needs" orientated, distracts from what's really important.
As a church we are not here to meet your needs. Were here to train and equip you to be powerful and effective in the world. Our needs are met in Him. Here we contend for the reality of who you are to manifest, so you will effect and infect every environment in which you find yourself.
Isi taught us about fortresses at the conference. Here is a fortress. "everyone in my family, school, church..dislikes me". This lie from the enemy is a fortress and believing it will cause you so see it, and live it. You will attract the negative environment you believe in.
Destroy the fortresses!
Were encouraged to forgive as God has forgiven us.
Colossians 3V12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive
How has God forgiven us?
Unconditionally, fully, permanently freely.
Knowing that we sin, but are forgiven by God, no matter what, tenderizes our hearts to act the same way. We are imperfect people making mistakes, but were forgiving and accepting each other.
So we purposefully purpose, I will love and forgive you no matter what. This breads a security. This breads a culture of strength and health. This releases Gods best over us. This releases sanity. This undoes relational anxiety. This releases peace and joy, and sweetens fellowship.
This makes you a person people want to be around. Its produces a healthy cycle, I love you so I want to be with you. Then your good to me so I like you more and enjoy the environment more. This is light, this is life. Some of you are like this, everyone wants to be around you. Your always happy, never offended, always embracing and accepting, you attract people like a moth to a flame.
Does love and acceptance make us soft. No. If someone is repeatedly doing something to hurt us, we can tell them. We can tell then that it's not good. That is hurtful or destructive. We can ask them to stop. But we forgive. If they do not stop we still forgive. If they still don't stop, we may even leave the relationship, but we forgive.
Acceptance of a person does not mean you just accept their every belief and behavior. But rejecting their belief is not rejecting them. Rejecting the behavior is not rejecting them.
Let's say someone joins the church. They want us to believe that there is no born again event. We would disagree, we still accept them but we disagree. If they continue to proclaim that truth, we would refute it. We still love and accept them but we refute it. Eventually they would leave, or be asked to leave. This is not rejection of them. We still love and accept them, but not their belief.
Let's say someone joins the church and starts sleeping with all the single ladies. We will talk to that person and bring correction. We will love and accept them. If they go on and on, we would put them out the church. Outside of that type of dramatic repetitive unrepentant sin there is total love and acceptance. In fact this would be love.
Ok so here is a quiz..
Which is better, option A or option B
a) Pain, hurt, offence, unforgiveness, bitterness, insecurity, rejection, anxiety, stress and isolation.
b) Love, acceptance, forgiveness, peace, joy, fun, togetherness, health and friendship.
Which is better a or b?
Lets abandon every offence, be slow and difficult to offend. Lets let go of every claim we feel we have to be offended and carry unforgiveness. Freely we have received, lets freely give.
Lets purpose to be slow to anger, abounding in love, gracious and compassionate, patient and loving to each other and to a dying world. After all this is who we are.
Living as those who are free, living in the freedom of forgiveness will release such joy and peace and contentment over our lives.
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